As I lay dying

†. Title : See you dying [as I lay dying - part four]
†. Author : Semichan
†. Genre : Yaoi ,Songfic .
†. Pairing : Die x Toshiya

†. A/N : The fourth and last part of "As I lay dying" . Lyrics are from "kiss and control" by AFI . Written in Die's POV.


~~~~~~~


Watch the stars turn you to nothing .

I don't understand why he still loves me . All the things I did to him … And I still do . But he loves me .

Now blush and smile as they whisk you away.

He tells it everyday . "I love you" . And he smiles . He still can smile . He still does … I don't know where he finds that strength .

He should be worn out . I think he is , but he doesn't show it . He really should be worn out . I wouldn't mind him showing it . But he never shows what he's feeling .

Part your lips a bit more, I'll swallow your fear.

He used to be nervous and agitated when we were making love before . Now he's just blank . He doesn't seem to feel anything . Sometimes he cries . Silently though .
And he never pouts , never wince, never open his mouth to say something . He just stays silent . Utterly quiet . So I don't try to force him to speak .

I think he's afraid . He might be, yeah . Cause I once told him I didn't want to hear him call my name when we were having sex . Since that day he never spoke anymore . At least in these moments . He just says he loves me when we're finished . Still with an emotionless face, most of the time . He would smile when we wouldn't have sex though . As I said before .


He doesn't know I sometimes stay right behind the door to listen to what he's doing . Sure , when we're together he seems happy , but when I'm out … Well when he thinks I'm out , he cries . For hours . And then he calls my name . Several times . He whispers it, he moans it, sobs it, screams it . And he says he loves me . Again . Sometimes he speaks alone . About his life . About us . Me , himself .


- I love you … Even if you rape me everyday . I do love you …


Yeah , I think I should stop thinking we're "making love" , "having sex" . Cause we're not . I'm the only one getting what I want . And I know it .


I know it …


I will show you how all the bite marks impress a need to be here

Every time I look at him I wanna cry . And I often do . In his arms . Every time I look at him I wanna kill myself . I wanna run out of that bedroom and cut myself to death . I wanna scream and apologize to him until I can't speak anymore . But somehow I just can't .

I never apologized . And I would never do . I won't .

Cause I won't stop . I won't stop doing this . I know . I won't stop raping him .


Velvet burns the wrists while restraining.


Even though it doesn't really look like rape to me . Nor to him I suppose . Now he must be used to it .


The first time we slept together was different though . He fought and yelled . And he cried . He hit me . Until he couldn't move anymore . He fainted from both mental and physical exhaustion then . He didn't understand why I was doing this to him .

I must admit I wasn't very sure of the reason either .

I was angry about Kaoru . But did that mean I had to rape the person I loved ?

He didn't stay unconscious very long . When he woke up he didn't react at all . Like he knew when he would wake up I would still be here . Raping him .


You blushed and smiled, and said you would stay .


You didn't mind . Next morning you took me in your arms and kissed me . You said you loved me .

This was the second time we had sex . But this time you were willing . That was one of the rare time we were both willing . And that no one cried . Neither me, nor you .

One more time steal my breath , I'll feed you the sky .

Well, you actually cried . But not because you were wondering why I was violent with you . Not because you were in pain . You were just relieved . Happy . And exhausted too . So you just let go .


- A "freak", really ?

- You're not a freak Die … He's the freak ! But I just didn't wanna give him reasons to be suspicious !

- Toshiya's not a freak !

- Of course he's is ! Look what you're doing to him ! And he accepts it !

- What did I do to him ?

- Please, Die , You raped him last night !

- I did not rape him !

- Oh, and what did you do then ? Force someone to have sex with you is called "rape" , dear !

- Don't call me that .

- Whatever ; I don’t think you're a freak , despite the fact I don't understand Toshiya's way of thinking and accepting it .

- You're not logical Shinya .

- And so what ?

- You should be angry with me .

- Who said I wasn't ?

- You're defending me !

- And you should be happy I'm not telling Kaoru
what's happening between the two of you !

- I don't know .

- What ?

- Maybe you should tell him .

- Pardon ? Are you stupid or what ?! You want Kaoru to kick you out of the band ?!

- Maybe it could be …

- …What ?

- Well don't say anything .

- I wasn't going to anyway …

- You're really weird .

- Yet again you should be happy to have a "weird friend" ,Daisuke Andou . I'm literally saving your life and carrier by staying silent !

- What's the matter with you damn it ?!

- What the hell are you talking about !?

- Toshiya is your friend isn't he ?! So why aren't you angry ?! Why don't you yell at me !? I raped one of your best friends Shinya !

- I don't care . Make him scream, make him bleed, hit him, I fucking don't care !

- You're the freakiest of us all Shinya …

- And you should wonder why . Think about it . Why am I acting that mean with him . I thought you already realized …


Shinya was in love with me . And it was obsessive .

But I didn't care .

Although I never thought a person I knew for so long could be that mean and sadistic without nobody realizing . Nobody realized . And he was so cruel . So cold and sarcastic .


The day Toshiya spoke to Shinya I decided to tell him what I was thinking of the situation .


I will show you how .


I raped him .


- I don't want any other member to know !

- I'm sorry !

- I fucking don't care ! You're sorry ?
And so what ?! You didn't have to tell him !

- I'm sorry …

- You just can't be always sorry Toshiya .


I know I've been hard on him . That's why I actually cried so many times . I said so many things I didn't mean .


His body … I love it so much . If it's not perfection then it's more than really close to it . He, didn't seem to like it that much though . And, yeah, again it was kind of my fault .

When I saw those scars on his chest, arms and thighs … I yelled at him. But I didn't bring the right topic . I said things completely different from what I as thinking . I didn 't tell him he shouldn't do this to himself , I said he was stupid .

And he nodded . Crying .


- Of course I am stupid …


Really, I can't believe he's agreeing . I'm the one being stupid . So fucking stupid .


Steal the glamour from death and before you die …


It's been 8 months or so now . He stays lying on our bed all day . Staring into nothing . He doesn't speak anymore . He just stares . And sleep sometimes . But rarely .

I know, he can't stand . Even if he wanted to, he just can't . He can't even move .

our dreams burst forth in light and death .

Everyday I see him lying here, everyday he does the same thing .

Hold me and tell me "we'll burn like stars"…

Everyday I see him dying a little more . I destroyed him .

We'll burn as we fall …

I'm killing him .

†. The End.

Semichan's last words ~ Please lemme know what you think of it ! (I know, it was slightly repetitive but well ^^; And yeah, I know, there wasn't a Kyo part. I just didn't know what to do with him ! >.<) Thx for reading !