Bless Me Father

okkkkay...sorry for the delay in updates- forgive me...Im lazy. Not only that but....I tend to take forever to write chapters...Im picky like that. lol, but I have to say- before I post this..sha- I saw GC last night...in ATL- my god that was such an amazing show. I love those boys they put on one amazing stage show. Had a dancing contest with the audience and everything...it was a blast. =) YAY for me...lol. enough gloating- more story....

Chapter Six

So it went on for some time that way- I was always so nervous in the hours before he would arrive. It's funny, like I was the 16 year old pacing around the house never too sure of whether it was the drugs my nerves or both that had be so jittery. I worried about the clothes I wore- the slight smudges of make up that sometimes lined my eyes, and even the house- believe it or not I cleaned the house I lived in. A task not so easy to achieve. All for him. And our 3 a.m. pillow kissing sessions. Softcore I know, but in all honestly I'm pretty sure I was too scared to try and take it too much further, scared that he would get freaked out. After all, once you fool around with another guy, you can't take it back. And at 17- the word faggot can really scar.
"Billy...are you in there?" The sound of his voice ripped through the quiet bathroom, causing me to nearly jump out of my skin. I hadn't expected to see him for at least 45 more minutes.
"Shit.." I muttered dropping the needle from my hands accidentally, the sound of him knocking on the door completely startling me. "Uhh...yeah..fuck, Joel give me a few minutes.." I called out in a shakey voice- looking at myself in the bathroom's cracked and scratched mirror.
"It's cool. What are you doing in there?" He continued with another knock on the door, making me frown leaning against the door to keep him from coming into the room, shooting up was like some sacred activity of mine. I would of rather never shared with anyone else- ever. It was a sick ritual that I guess I felt uncomfortable sharing with other human beings. Because you look so disgusting, so vonerable with a needle in your arm. The faces of ecstacy you make.
"I'm building a fucking rocket ship what do you think I'm doing?! Now just give me two god damn minutes!" I screamed before bending down to retrieve the needle from the dirty bathroom floor. I dont think I'd meant to snap at the boy in such a rude way. but I guess I was getting just alittle bit anxious to finally get high.
"Okay...okay, sorry." Joel's pitiful voice cooed through the decrepid wooden door- making remorse wash through me. I hated that tone in his voice, like he felt stupid. Looking down at my arm I groaned singling out a vien- sadly enough nearly every one in both my arms, was bruised and scared from continuous abuse. I was running out of places- pretty soon I'd be forced to use the back of my legs or my feet. Something I wasn't looking forwards to.
"Joel..are you okay?" I asked softly while stumbling out of the bathroom haphazardly- tossing the un capped needle into the trashcan along the way. But the look on his face- sitting on my couch- spun my emotions to panic. He looked some what frightened- not something I was ready to deal with. When you're on smack- it's hard to know how to handle human emotions, because everything is just so surreal. It's like its happening in slow motion around you and you just can't even react. "Joel what the fuck is going on? What's that look on your face for?" I asked him while carefully taking a seat next to him, still trying to get a grip on my own thoughts. This was not how I wanted to spent the first few moments of being high.
"Billy. I gotta talk to you." He started with an uneasy smile- A sentence that left me even more curious.
"Yeah okay. Sure. come on." I assured him while escorting him from the living room and into my room closing the door behind myself. but no sooner had I closed the door did I feel his petal- soft lips come crashing down onto mine- the force to his affection catching me off gaurd. He was always so meak, so mild. Joel was never forceful.
"Hey...Hey..what is going on?" I managed to get out between the heavy kisses- trying to pry his body from my own.
"I think we should have sex right now.." He spilled out quickly. The words came out so fast I almost couldn't understand them, but that s word is just one no one could mistake. My first reaction was intrigue- had he really just said those things to me? Of coarse it aroused me, because he seemed far too shy for something like that. But he'd said it so sure of himself.
"Excuse me? could I hear that once more- I thought you just said something about sex.." I laughed lightly trying to make the mood alittle less serious. But the look on his face never faultered, and he shook his head.
"I did. I need you to sleep with me. billy, dont you want to have sex with me?" And the question was a doubled edged sword. And had I not of been fucked up, that key word would have went off in my head. 'need'. But it hadn't- it hadn't even set off a red flag.
"Yeah. eventually I do. What's the rush?" I tried to pry while slowing the boys rushing hands from unbuckling my belt's tattered buckle. "You said yourself you're not even sure you're gay. so just slow down..." I tried to urge to him with a playful smile. But surprizingly his hands never faultered- pulling my thick leather belt from my pants.
"So now I know. you. I want you to have sex with me...please?" His eyes seemed to plead to me- in beautiful slience. I couldn't tell those eyes no. I suppose its obvious I have no will power.
"It'll hurt too much that way...you're still not ready for it..you can do the fucking tonight.." I volunteered with a nod of my head. Partially in part to the fact that I was too fucked up to go through all the emotions involved in taking a boys virginity. Because being fucked for the first time, as a male really messes with your head. And I wasn't ready to have to do that to him.
"No." He called out quickly, rejecting my suggestion. And there was just something in his voice, something telling me there was more to the story than he was leading on. "No. I dont want that. That....that can wait..I want...to..." He paused and I could tell he sat racking his brain in efforts to discover the proper words to say to me, mapping his next move so to speak. "I want to give myself to you. To show you how much you mean to me..." I hated having to think. Hated it because I never had to do it- and now It was like I was questioning my own morality. Undoubtably I had none, but still, I wasn't really sure I could just fuck this kid without wondering if it had been for the right reason.
"What's the real reason?" I popped off looking up at him curiously- a single eye brow cocked in his direction. And guilt instantly seemed to run down his features, as he shook his head unconvincingly.
"What are you talking about? I can't just want to do this...with you?" He tried to state with false confidence, but I could see through the act- he just seemed very defensive for someone so innocent.
"So what? is it some kid at school- want to impress him in bed?" My mouth lashed out wickedly, coming off alot colder than I'd wanted. He pulled his hands back from my body, recoiling as if the words themselves had burned him. And I am not proud of that fact- but sometimes the drugs speak louder than the person. "What is it you need from me? why is it so important...that you..." And slowly I began to piece a few things together in my mind- the day of the week being one of those things. "Tomorrow is Sunday." I concluded without even filling him in on my discovery. I could see by the look in his eyes he was lost- unable to understand what I was getting at.
"What? Why are you saying that...Billy...come on..I..like you..." His tiny voice now tried to assure me, a slight quiver to his words. But I didn't want to buy into it- didn't want to do him this favor.
"Yeah. But this has nothing to do with that huh?" I accused while shaking my head, a mix of disgust and hurt seeming to take over my features. I couldn't decide if my mind was making it all up, or if he would really want to do something so wrong.
"You don't understand.."
"I understand alot more than you think...he's a fucking bastard..that sick fuck." I spilled out, my rage for the first time seeming to rear its ugly head. I suppose its more than obvious that inside I somewhat resented that Priest- for the things he'd done, and still continued to do to Joel. Not that Joel was mine, far from it- the topic had never even been discussed. But I still hated that man. "What's the matter don't want it to hurt?" I then asked referring in part to the inevitable sexual encounter he was going to have with that same man that I hated. I guess it hurt my feelings deep down- the feelings I pretended not to have. In a sense he was using me, just like everyone else in my life always had. He wasn't different- and the connection was all just something I'd built up in my mind.
"If he does it- I'll regret it...if you do it...I wont...okay? I only get one time...for it to mean something and regardless of whether or not we're ready I'd much rather you be my first than him.." And I knew exactly what he was getting at. I was definantly going to pay a visit to my favorite Priest in the morning.

oOo it's getting deep...well...maybe. Sex...sex sex...everyone always wants sex. *sigh* lol now click....review!