Bless Me Father

chapter seven

The air was an uncomfortable sort of slient- after all had been said. I couldn't really decide- in my drug enduced haze, whether I was disgusted or more so hurt. Hurt was the most obvious of the two it would seem. But not for me. I never felt hurt over things, ever- because to me things like emotions just didn't matter. So how come it was like every time he came around- they did matter. I had all these things I should have been saying to him, trying to comfort him in his time of absolute distress. But I couldn't, because what he was asking was just not right.
"this guy has to be stopped Joel.." I replied to him after a few minutes, just shaking my head. I felt aweful for the simple fact that I knew it was going on, and there was little I could do about it. Who's going to believe some used up heroin junkie over a priest? But Joel just looked at me, a set of wide alarmed eyes. Was he honestly going to try and defend the action? I had done some wrong things in my life, but that went far beyond anything I'd ever been capable of. I felt some strange need to protect Joel- from all the evil things I knew existed in the world- all the devils that were crossing his path. But how could I protect him, if he wouldn't let me?
"NO. Billy- this isn't a big deal..please dont say anything like that again. You don't know what would happen to my family...It just has to be this way.." He told me slowly, and I could tell that in his mind, he really believed that too. He felt like the weight of his whole family was resting on his shoulders- his badly abused, mistreated shoulders. An awfully large burdon for someone who's suppose to be living the best years of his life. "Please can we not talk about this.." He requested with a soft frown- the subject I suppose putting a slight damper on the plans he'd made in his head.
"Says who? That fucker is messing with your head Joel- he's got you all fucked up because you don't see how wrong this really is. You don't think this is going to be with you for the rest of your life?? Some old fucking freak touching all over you- ramming his cock down your throat!" I imagine I could have stopped myself, before saying any of those things. Before I was vicious and hateful towards him- unable to understand why he couldn't see things my way. Why he didn't feel like I did about it. I only wanted what was best for him. And that was fucking unbelievable to me, because I didn't even want the best for myself- matter of fact I really didn't want anything for myself. Other than to be around him.
But those tiny brown eyes just lit up- a mix of shock and hurt washing over him. I'd taken it too far, that I could see. And I knew for a fact he wasn't going to be so quick to believe the 'I did too much gak' excuse- instead he would just sit and stare at me much as if I'd grown another head.
"I think about it everyday as a matter of fact- so don't try to talk to me about what's right. NO It's not right, its VERY wrong- very very wrong. But I don't see your fucking ass shelling out money to feed my god damn family, do I?? You start paying my bills and taking care of all the people I take care of and you can talk to me about what I do. Besides what's the fucking big deal- what's it to you? You'd be happy no matter who I screwed so long as you had your drugs. You want to talk about problems, let's go there. When you can stop hiding in the bathroom and fucking your arms up some more- then I'll listen to you. Till then just blow me." He nearly screamed in one solid, quick breath- the angry seeming to radiate from his features. I'd done the one thing I'd swore I'd never do- I judged him for the skeleton in his closet. And I was no better than he, if anything I was much worse.
"Hey I'm only trying to protect you!" I shot to him while taking hold of one of his forearms slowly- but no sooner had I gotten my hand around his arm did he yank it back from me shaking his head. I wasn't sure what was going on, but from the basis of it- I was guessing we were in the middle of a fight. Our first, real arguement- and I have to confess it wasn't exactly about anything that I'd thought it would be about. Niave me, never seeing the dirty scab thats underneath the bandaid- the two of us may of needed each other, but we were still so different. I couldn't relate to his problem- just like I knew he couldn't relate to my problem.
"Yeah and you dont have to- I can take care of myself. I don't come to you because I need a babysitter." He spat out still sounding just as fumed as the second before. For someone so small and timid, the boy could have a horribly mean streak to him. If looks could have killed, I think I might of been dead. But that statement of coarse lead me to the next prevelant one- the one that would either smother or ignite the worries in my head.
"Okay so why dont you tell me then joel. Why DO you come here to me..? Spell it out for me!" I demanded while crossing my arms across my chest, still huffing slightly. I didn't care about anything else at that moment- just his answer, because something in side of me could rest just knowing where we both stood with one another. The boy had honestly had me thinking thoughts about relationships that I hadn't had in so long. I hated relationships- always had. The idea of having to always be concerned with someone else- always having a obligation just never sat right with me. But then I suppose until that day in my life, Id never known anyone to be special enough to feel that way about. And after a minute of deliberation he just looked at his feet with a shrug of his slumped shoulders mumbling softly.
"L-O-V-E." Four little letters- that somehow changed the rest of my life. Because nothing was ever the same after he'd said that to me. I was never the same. It was there- the feeling I'd been torn between since I'd laid eyes on the younger boy. I was going to do what I thought was right, with or without Joel being aware. Love makes you do things you'd normally never do- think things you wouldn't normally think. Love makes you care, And I cared enough to know what I had to do. I'd simply have to think of the consequences some other time.