I Hate How Much I Love You

Hey all!!!! It took me way too long to write a new chapter... Having no computer does that... I'll respond to a few comments at the end, but for now... I DO NOT OWN X JAPAN OR ANY OF THE MEMBERS NOW OR IN THE PAST. There's no profit, or I'd be a lot happier than right now!!! That's for sure...

~~~~hide~~~~

Whatever gods that be decided to bless the.. er... hide. Or... well, at least that was the way he was thinking about it after he'd spent an hour and a half hopping from foot to foot in nervousness.

The press conference had been postponed. It was lucky for him, but maybe not so much... It had sort of went like this. The waves of people had been crushed together, reporters with their little black flip notebooks, and microphones you couldn't sing on. It was generally fucking EVIL. Like a zombie movie... yeaaaah... an old one! That's when Yoshiki-leader-san had snapped into "Scary bussiness" mode.

He'd been standing there, freaking out about all the people being all serious on him. I mean, who wanted to be grilled by newspaper people?! X was already an infamous band for fights and carnage, now what? Riiiiight around tours too! He actually hadn't been thinking about his love problems, a little too upset about all this going on. Still, he couldn't help but notice when Yoshiki barged into the room, looking all dressed up, and... renewed. At the very least, his dark persona had seemed to vanish.

When the drummer spoke, everyone turned and listened. It was a talent Yoshiki had always had... It was sexy. That commanding air that just drifted from his every pore... Why couldn't he do that? Noooo, they made him wave his arms or something.

"I canceled it. The press meeting isn't going to happen"

Pata just shrugged, leaning back against the hotel wall, but Toshi seemed much more confused. Everyone just excepted what Yoshiki said, but that didn't mean they understood what he was doing... Sort of like the X Japan Condom line...

"Hmm? Why not Princess?", Toshi had stepped forward a bit, an expression of complete confusion still managed to be obvious with his dark shades on. That must have taken courage!!!! He certaintly didn't want an angry Yo-chan breathing fire at him...

"Because... Instead we're going on a show... We were put in the comedy section, so we can say it there..."

"AH!!!!!!", Suddenly hide got it. Oh yeah, see? He understood the marketing mastermind sometimes... "Then we get all the fame, but it'll be more of a joke, right?"

Yoshiki just nodded, a small smile finally drifting across his face... A wicked smile.


~~~~~a few days later~~~~~

"Ahhhh, Taisho has a temper, you know? I remember once, we were standing in front of a bar, and he forgot his cigs!", he motioned with his hands, pushing his cap up when it almost fell off his head. Dark black sleeves almost covered his fingertips, so he kept having to push them back.

It had gone sort of strange after that whole press fiasco. He hadn't seen Yoshiki or anyone else for days until a few minutes before the show. It had been strange and surreal, almost like he'd vanished from the face of the universe, and suddenly just reappeared next to his love. Yo-chan was so... beautiful. A huge smile on his face, perfectly cut hair, held back so you could see his lovely face. The drummer had sat next to him, talking happily with the host while he sipped on a nice champagne. Like... some weird dream.

Even the audience was weird... all their faces seemed blurred together until all he could see was his band, and the other people on the show. Regardless of all that, he just kept with his story.

"So you know, he kept making sounds! All unhappy like "...ggrrrrghhhh""".

The sound hide made was a bit silly. It was SUPPOSED to sound like Yo, obviously; but instead, it came out as some weird low gurgling growl. He blinked, almost weirded out by his own voice... whaaaaaat? .... How had he done thaaaaat???

"Ohhh!!!!", The host took his chance to jump in, speaking in a loud surprised tone. "So Yoshiki-san is very whiney?"

Yo-chan had been sitting next to him, pretty happily sipping on a flute of champagne. They always liked free drinks... I mean, one less cost, right? Yo might have liked these bubbly ones a little more though...

"Eeeeeeh! I just wanted to smoke!!" Yoshiki threw in his defense with a laugh.

"Ahhhhh yes!!!! Don't let him lie to you, I hear it all the time... hide-chan.... hi-chaaaan... there's no more wine! You drank it all!!!!"

"Because you're always stealing it!!!!!!!"

The audience broke into laughter almost like it was on cue. To him, it just seemed like a big blurry wall of alien faces hissing at him, or something, so he focused on Yoshiki. The leader's legs were crossed, and he had that expression on that face... The one where he was always laughing, trying to cover his mouth with two fingers.

"Ohhh, but my story!!! See? He doesn't want me to tell you!!! So! Yoshi was whining, so I gave him one of mine. He takes a puff and goes... "HOW DO YOU SMOKE THESE" ... and he wasted it!!!! Just threw it, neh!!!"

"That's because you smoke something gross!!!! It tasted weird!!!"

"Ohhhhh, you got so mad!!!??!! I bet your face turned red like a tomato", the host cracked a joke, making the alien blur wall laugh again.

"No no!!!!! My face doesn't do that!!!"

"Ohhh, maybe it does... all I remember was all that night you were all upset, still wanting to smoke!!!! Ohhhh, not grateful... They only cost me a little..."

"How little?"

"Maybe.... a few hundred yen?"

"...Oh see, no wonder they tasted bad"

Yoshiki burst into laughter, slapping hide's thigh lightly with his hand. It felt tingly... all warm and real in this freaky dream land. He kept laughing happily as the drummer leaned into him, soaking him in that happy radiance.

"You need to stop telling my secrets!!!!"

Through the interview, they managed to stream in the hotel story. In the end, it was almost drowned out by the rest of the media. So.... success for X!!!!

After the interview, he only managed to catch Yoshiki alone for a few minutes. He actually walked in on him shuffling through his dressing room for keys. Without thinking about it much, the bright guitarist had jumped on him, leaping onto his back. Yoshiki yelped in surprise, but it turned instantly into laughter as he spun around, slowly catching his balance. There was a brief moment where they almost collided with the wall, but Yoshiki came through.

"Yo-chaaan! It's been awhile!!", hide jumped off, almost pretending he hadn't just tackled the other man. It had felt nice, to catch his scent, and be close to him after so long.

"Mmm yes!!!! I'm actually heading for Paris in a few hours. Don't you have a flight to Los Angeles?"

...He briefly remembered Pata mentioning that...

"Uhhhh, yeah yeah!!!!! Think I'll meet any hot Californian girls?"

"Mmmm, probably. Remember! It's for work though". Yoshiki seemed to think about something, his expressive face getting a big of pensiveness about it.

"Eeeh... Hey... Yo-chan? Are you happy?"

The younger man seemed to think about it for a moment, before a soft, almost inaudible reply escaped plush lips.

"Yes... Of course I'm happy!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~Yoshiki~~~~~~~~~~

Hectic. There was really only one way to describe his life lately. After the mental breakdown, he hadn't known what to do. Just been filled with this all consuming empty void of pain. hide would probably just say he was being melodramatic again... hide...

He shook his head, looking back down at his packed but open travel case. The only solution was to work. He'd thrown every piece of him back into X as if the world would cease to exist if he didn't. It was great... really... pushing away thoughts of Toshi... hide... and everything else. Even now, right after the show, he was ready to get going on to Paris. Who couldn't be inspired there?

The show had been awkward. He had to force himself to keep his gaze away from hide. To not stare at his lips, the soft motions of his hands while he completely overdid the story of something that had happened 3 fucking years ago...

Why did it have to be this way? Why did his heart have to twist in his chest? Why was he so fucking happy to be near him? ... and why was he so fucking unlucky? To love someone who would never love him back. To someone who could ruin everything he'd worked for...

Yoshiki had just smiled and laughed during the show, listening to the sexy low tone of his voice. Remembering all the times he fell asleep hearing it in his thoughts...

With a soft sigh, he closed the black case. Everything was there... except... what the hell had he done with his keys? After searching around for a few minutes, he suddenly felt something...

The fiasco that happened was a bit crazy, and even after that, when the drummer was trying to regain composure as the happy guitarist hopped off his back, unscathed... was a little strange. Although, over the years, he'd come to get used to this sort of thing...

"Yo-chaaan. It's been awhile!!", hide was smiling at him. So cute... that happy look. He moved a lot when he spoke too, lifting his arms above his head.

It had been...He wanted to stay right here. Hearing him, being near him... but he couldn't take it. It'd destroy his mind... Besides... hide was leaving him anyway to go to L.A. hide didn't want to be near him either.

"Mmm yes!!!! I'm actually heading for Paris in a few hours. Don't you have a flight to Los Angeles?"

...hide got a weird look on his face... After a moment, he titled his head to the side reaaaalllly slow, before snapping it back and responding.

"Uhhhh, yeah yeah!!!!! Think I'll meet any hot Californian girls?"

Instantly a dull blue ache washed over his heart. hide always had girls... He doubted it would change if he went to another country.

"Mmmm, probably. Remember! It's for work though".

"Eeeh... Hey... Yo-chan? Are you happy?"

Happy? With what? X? They were getting better every day. Moving somewhere. A force of nature, unstopped by anyone else... but was he happy? Was he happy realizing he'd been in love for years with someone who would never want him? Was he happy with going to bed and thinking of hide? Of dreaming of you?

No... How can you be happy when you long for something so much?

How could he be happy when hide didn't love him?

"Yes... Of course I'm happy!!!"

~~~~~~~hide~~~~~~~~

So the flight wasn't until tomorrow at least... It sucked though to randomly find out he was going to another country... ehh... even though Pata had told him a week ago... maybe...

When the phone rang, he contemplated just leaving it there... Who would call after a show but people asking more questions? Best to screen stuff like that. After a few more rings, the voicemail kicked up.

There was a fuzzy sound to it, like it wasn't on a normal phone. There was low breathing... oddly enough, breathing he knew anywhere...

....Yoshiki????? hide stared in shock at the phone, when he suddenly heard the voice he was expecting to hear.

"...hide..."

Was he... crying??? Technically he should have grabbed the phone, but instead, he just stared at it like he was stupid.

"...Just... Just fucking pretend... Please, just fucking PRETEND!!!!"

Suddenly he realized what he was doing, jumping up so fast his head spun... er... so fast, he almost tripped when he ran to the phone.

"Pretend you love me"

When he answered it, the line was dead.

What...the... hell......?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?! Pretend?!!?!?! Why would he have to pretend?!!?!?! AND WHY THE HELL HAD HE HUNG UP!?!?!?!

"FUUUUUUCCCCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!", The guitarist threw the phone across the room, yanked on his boots, and headed out the door, not bothering to get his coat.

~~~~~~~End of Chapter 7~~~~~~

Sorry about if it seems weird. I'm having trouble getting back into this stories mood, but I think it seems okay.

phuq: YES!!!!!! It was really funny lol.

ThexShinya: Uhm... I'm not done yet... and... okay... *writes more*

Jojo:More scenes comming up

TheMysticalDragon: Well hide is supposed to have a personality that stems off the original one, but has a lot of the flare of his stage image. He isn't supposed to be an in depth representation of the actual man. I write stories like that too, but this one was supposed to have drama, and yet, not a fully polished air. So it was easy to read, and enjoy without all of the stuffiness of formal writing. If hide had such a dark personality, there wouldn't have been any lightheartedness to the story, and so I prevented it with "creative liberty". When it comes to the PoVs, I'm not going to change it. If you don't like them, please refrain from reading future chapters because they will continue. I didn't want to focus this story all in the eyes of one person, or there wouldn't be any variety in the narration.

Shinnykinz: Thank you!!!! I love honest reviews that aren't harsh... (they're rare >->) Hopefully you keep liking the story, but if not, feel free to tell me why!

So that's all for right now!!!! I'll try and write another chapter real soon.